2020 New Year’s Resolutions for Conservatives

You may have noticed, or you may not have… but as it turns out- conservatives are not just happier than liberals – they are also better looking. That’s right. We won’t go into the numbers or the evidence right now. If you’re skeptical, the interwebs have all the corroboration you could want. The algorithm tries to bury the sexy, sexy conservative truth- but in the end- there’s just too much steaming conservative hotness to conceal.

Anyway, we’re happier than them, better looking than them, we have better 5K-run times, and we wash more often and more thoroughly. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that we have jobs where things have to be lifted regularly. But in general, it’s really just about enjoying life more. When you like the world, and living in it- you go out more, you get more fresh air, and more exercise. It’s a no-brainer, really. Happier people are healthier people, and healthier people are more attractive.

Why do you think they’re so crazy about abortion? They know their genes are hereditary dead ends. (Okay, that was harsh.)

But the downside to all this sexy hotness is we have to accommodate the conspicuously cute among us. So, let’s try not to hold it against them as we bring you… The Cuteservatives.